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 Movies One Must CROAK before seeing

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CrouchJunior

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 08, 2013 2:43 pm

Personally, I'd recommend a viewing if for no other reason than to take i the stunning visuals (which were VERY impressive)

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PostSubject: Jack the Giant Slayer   Wed May 08, 2013 2:46 pm



Okay, now this movie looked to be pretty awesome judging by the trailers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng9rjC8MOgU

But it wasn't nearly as good as it looks.

It started off good, with some action and adventure, some nicely placed humor and mystery. However it was lacking in the violence, especially for a PG-13 movie, it should've been rated PG.

Half-way through it turned into a chick flick and I completely tuned out.

Then when you thought it was over, oh no, there was another 40 minutes to endure.

Just all around a bad movie.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 08, 2013 2:48 pm

Glad I spared myself that one

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 08, 2013 2:49 pm

Okay, then I'll wait till it's out in the dollar theater to see it.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Sun May 19, 2013 10:06 pm

Catwoman:

WHY: I'll get the elephant out of the room first.

http://calmdowntom.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/CatW-MichellePfeiffer.jpg

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/cd/AnneHathawayCatwoman.jpg/180px-AnneHathawayCatwoman.jpg

http://www.thesnipenews.com/thegutter/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/julie-newmar-catwoman.jpg

http://cdn.styleblazer.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Halle_Berry_Catwoman_HQ_014.jpg

I refer you to a song from my youth, sung by Big Bird, called "One of these things is not like the other!"

Now, look at all of those, and tell me which ones are Catwoman, and which one is a BDSM junkie PLAYING a sick Catwoman in a sick comic porno?!

You may not believe it but that isn't even the WORST problem in this movie. Believe me it's up there but not the worst.

The effects... oh shit gentle Jesus... I mean... DAMN. Avatar The Last Airbender would chuckle at the effects.

The story was absolutely positively one of the stupidest ideas I've heard in the duration of my existence! It's not even close to the comics! Catwoman is this complex criminal who stole cat-related valuables all the while evading, toying with and flirting with Batman. Despite her status as a criminal, Batman can't help but get Battracted to her creating one of the most legendary comic book ships.

But there was more to her than her simple attraction to the Dark Knight. She kept alternating sides, making her almost as unpredictable as the Joker in the respect that you don't always know if she'll help Batman or stab.. claw him in the back.

Does Halle Barrie live up to ANY of that?!

No. She's put through a laughable story, gives a laughable performance, and I'm convinced this script was written by the director when he was a teenager as an erotic fanfiction he somehow got a budget for!

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Tue May 21, 2013 6:54 pm

The Mummy: Tomb Of the Dragon Emperor:

Why: Imagine someone handed you a perfect Egyptian sculpture made of gold twice. You put it in your living room, and proudly give it praise to anyone who asks about it. And then that same person promises to bring you something even better and then when they return you find they've brought a wagon of rubber dog shit from China.

Same basic feeling.

I mean, out of all the movies I've put on this page, this is probably the one I hate least because it actually does work as a 3 part story. My problem is I just hated the story.

The first two films in The Mummy series basically set up the world. An evil mummy named Imhotep awakes from the dead and wants to bring about the end of days and our two heroes Rick and Evie are charged with stopping him. That already is great setup. In fact this series is one of those very rare trilogies where the sequel didn't suck.

But then THIS film came along and put that story in a blender and gave us this.

It is SO removed from the original that the only thing the same between them is the title and the main heroes. The other 2 movies were stationed in Egypt and this one was in China. Why change that? I mean, you already had a winning formula, why would you alter it so drastically? Also where was Imhotep the whole time! He's half the reason I watched the other two!

But sadly they had to replace the actress who played Evie and I don't think she held up as well as her predecessor. She didn't do a BAD job, but it's like getting a skinny Santa at the mall. You had expectations that weren't met.

Maybe if this movie was a spinoff or a whole different series, I wouldn't be so mad at it. But it was so mindless compared to the other two that it drags the series down.

But again, it wasn't bad enough to RUIN the other two like another movie I refuse to acknowledge. If you want some fun you don't have to pay much attention to, give it a try.

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 12:02 am

I completely agree with you!

I LOVED the first two Mummy movies! And the third one just... Ugh!
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 2:18 am

I just don't even understand WHY they changed it so much. I mean, did the Egyptian government ban the films? Did Ra burn their budget money? What happened?

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 2:19 am

Whoever made it were just idiots. -_-
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 2:24 am

I mean I know there are cases of Chinese mummification, but when people hear about a Mummy movie, they want to see pyramids and Imhotep doing neat tricks with the sand.

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 2:26 am

Exactly!

... Not to mention they want the true first Evie....
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 2:28 am

I agree! I think she was busy with another movie at the time, but man the replacement actress was clearly just acting like Evie.

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 2:29 am

No one plays Evie better than the first! :3
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 4:18 am

Twilight.

Why: Because its Twilight and the two main characters cant act.

(Somebody had to say it lol)
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 4:21 am

-Wraps self up in chains and throws self into the ocean knowing I live on the same planet as that shit-

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 1:21 pm

Not to mention it is COMPLETELY incorrect on vampires! Vampires do NOT sparkle in sunlight. Sunlight makes them BURN. Garlic is also like poison to them.

Twilight is not about vampires. It's about sparkly little fairies with huge problems.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 3:33 pm

It makes Dracula roll in his coffin -_-

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 22, 2013 8:22 pm

I am proud to say that i have only seen the first twilight film.
I refused to watch the thers
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Thu May 23, 2013 3:49 am

How I envy you... I had to endure two of them. I swear they have the same effect on me that post traumatic stress disorder has on Vietnam soldiers...

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Thu May 23, 2013 10:08 pm

Hey, I've seen all five of them! (Breaking Dawn has 2 movies -_- )
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri May 24, 2013 12:18 am

I've seen the first 4. I hated them all. Oh dear god, how I wish I could take it back.
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PostSubject: The Frozen   Mon May 27, 2013 6:42 pm



No, just no.

This was supposed to be a horror movie; key word there SUPPOSED. Not only wasn't it horrific, it wasn't even mildly suspenseful. The imagery wasn't all that great either.

Basic plot outline: Boyfriend and girlfriend go camping in the middle of nowhere in the middle of winter (who the hell does that, I don't know). They wreck their snow mobile and then start seeing this quote-end-quote "silent stalker". Really the guy only shows up a handful of times in the whole movie and he isn't really stalking them. He just kinda stands there...

So, by the third night or so of them being stranded they have a fight, man sees "creepy stalker guy" and decides to chase after him. He doesn't come back, girl assumes "creepy stalker guy" killed him, gets really depressed, cries for a few days.

Now the last twenty minutes of the movie are the best it gets. One night the chick's all alone she hears stuff outside of her tent and starts freaking out. She just heard some twigs snapping. That's it and she's screaming bloody murder. It could be her boyfriend for Christ's sake! Then she has a dream about some creepy family, wakes up and takes off because she thinks the creepy stalker dude is chasing her.

She ends up holed up in this empty shed and then sees people outside carrying torches (actual torches with flame, not flashlights for you british folk) being headed up by that stalker. She screams at them to leave her alone even though they were completely ignoring her. She freaks out again and takes off, she comes into a town and starts yelling for people to help her but realizes that they won't acknowledge her.

Creepy stalker dude tells her that she's dead. She died when the snow mobile crashed. Play the credits.

That's it. It sucked MAJORLY.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Tue May 28, 2013 1:20 am

Signs

Look, I HONESTLY have no beef with Shyamalan. I know tons of people like this movie but WHY?!

I mean, it's pretentious in it's style, boring and stupid as hell!!! I mean LOOK AT IT!!

The aliens are stupidest fucking creatures in the galaxy! The EWOKS could take these guys out! No, I'll raise the stakes, THE PSYCHOLOS FROM BATTLEFIELD EARTH could take these guys down! I mean their kryptonite is water so naturally trying to conquer a planet in which the surface is mostly covered by H20 is a logical mission...

NOT!!!!

Jesus Christ are they stupid! They can make it to earth but doorknobs are just too complex for them?! The goddamn Velociraptors from Jurassic Park were able to figure it out! Not to mention, they're so poorly designed that it's laughable! They looked like if you put the aliens from Alien in the microwave!

I don't understand why so many people liked this movie! I fell asleep! Like I only fall asleep during movies I truly despise. Eventually I saw the whole thing through awake, but I was still more interested in my shoe laces than the movie.

Don't let critical acclaim fool you folks. I mean after all, critics are just human beings too and are prone to error. My bet is they were basking in Shyamalan's success with 'The Sixth Sense' and were blinded to the sheer stupidity of this film.

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Tue Jun 04, 2013 3:47 pm

Spider Man 3

Three Second Review: Emo Peter. Done.

Does anyone even want me to review this? I've got a lot to say on it

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Mon Jun 10, 2013 5:58 pm

Hannibal Rising

Why:

Hannibal Lecter is one of the most iconic villains in both film and literature. He's a cannibalistic serial killer, yet refined and well spoken.but behind his class and sophistication is a bloodthirsty monster with no remorse. He could horrendously murder you and yet his heart rate wouldn't rise above a steady casual beat.

Surely people would be dying to know how such a demon came to exist. This movie tried its best to explain that. However this felt more like if Hannibal Lecter took the place of the protagonist in Taken. This film didn't really compare with the other movies.

Firstly, I just want o say that the actor who played young Lecter did alright. I mean he was asked to be judged against one of the greatest actors on the planet, Anthony Hopkins. That's like saying, "hey there's the Statue of Liberty! I bet you can do just as good with Popsicle sticks!" And there were a few moments when he really seemed like Hannibal Lecter. I can tell he did a lot of research into his role and practiced a great deal.

However that being said, there were too many parts where it just felt like I was watching a guy trying to be Hannibal Lecter.

The story really isn't what you'd expect, kudos to them for playing with expectations but it left some questions unanswered. For instance, if this guy grew up as a war orphan, where did his sense of refinement come from? Did he just magically find it at the bottom of his cereal box one day? Also how did he end up in the States? How did he go from revenge to serving up folks at dinner parties (literally and figuratively?

At no moment is this really suspenseful however the kills are straight out of Hannibal Lecters book (thank you author) . However it felt like we were force fed the script. Like for example, in one scene a cop says outright that Hannibal Lecter is a monster. We know this. It had been established pretty early. We don't need trailer fuel to tell us that, let his actions speak for him. There were other examples of spoon feeding as well.

All in all, probably not terrible but certainly not good. I don't think anyone should really seek out this movie, lest of course they're like me and trying to get the whole Silence of the Films on DvD.

Now find a different movie or ill eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti

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