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 Movies One Must CROAK before seeing

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CrouchJunior

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PostSubject: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:51 pm

So in response to my other page, I've decided to devote another page to movies that deserve to be torn a new one.

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Thu Apr 18, 2013 3:04 pm

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. Just don't.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Thu Apr 18, 2013 7:37 pm

Believe me those two are on the list, but the first shitstorm I intend to destroy is WORSE than those two...

BUT that will have to wait until my job is finished...

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Thu Apr 18, 2013 7:49 pm

Eragon
-seethes with rage-
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Thu Apr 18, 2013 7:51 pm

Eragon sucked compared to the book.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Thu Apr 18, 2013 7:52 pm

watch it on rewind
its such an improvement.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 4:22 am

Avatar the last Airbender movie

Link: I'll put it up if enough of you want to see it, your funeral

Why: now it's one thing to take crappy source material (twishite) and make a crap-tastic movie out of it, but it's a whole different plane to take good source material and turn it into a factory of ass-scum.

First a little history. I was first introduced to Avatar by our very own Raven and I proceeded to watch the entire show on her recommendation. And I'm proud to say, I throughly loved it! I loved the concepts, story, characters, and even (this is rare for me to say) the morales that each episode subtly taught us and didn't cram down our throats.

What I loved most about it was probably the characters. They were memorable, likable (or in the villains case hatible) and well developed. You really got to know and understand each character and it was clear the writers were passionate about them.

Enter m. night shyamalan, from such familiar disasters as Signs and the Lady in the Water. Now firstly, I'll just say I'm not a mindless Shyamalan basher. He can direct good movies, like the Sixth Sense. And it's a very hard job condescending a multi-season show into a two hour movie, even if they do break it up into separate movies. Hard but not impossible.

But it was like he just wrote the script based on the Wikipedia articles. He didn't even TRY to write it well. Most directors would take the time to study the show and analyse it from every angle. Here it's like he just thought, "how can I piss off the fans the most?" I believe much of the movies flaws come from him. After all, he wrote, produced and directed it.

And lets not forget the casting. Now the late great Roger Ebert put it best I think that the fans of the show universally accepted that the main characters were all Asian. So when all the fire nation was Indian and so forth, this stirred up feelings of racism from the general public and sparked outraged fans.

Now normally I don't give much regard for those guys that play the race card at every opening, but here it seems justified.

But all racism aside, the cast also didn't hold up well. Aang was about as bland as styrofoam and not anywhere like his character. I didn't feel ever invested in what was happening and only saw the gaping flaws in how much the actor/actress was NOT their character.

Next is the effects. Now I would be lying if I told you they were the worst effects I've seen, but they certainly weren't good. If this was the very first attempt by mankind to make 'superpower special effects' I'd say they were good. But it isn't. We've seen super powers before, like in the Xmen series. The effects looked fake and almost rushed, like the special effects designer forgot to dvr his favorite show so he quickly put in the effects and ran to his car.

And I'll just wrap this up otherwise I'd go on for years, (if I haven't already) in a word: dispassionate is what sums it all up. Dispassionate to the fans, dispassionate to the source material and dispassionate in the execution.

Those are just my thoughts, I'd love to hear other opinions as well. So please, tell me what you think Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 6:01 am

Dear god don't even get me started on that movie. I only watched the end of it and it was absolute shit.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 6:03 am

If you don't mind Crouchy I'd like to post my own movie review. A certain movie has been bothering me since I saw it a few months ago and I'm in a bitchy mood and I just wanna bitch about something.
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PostSubject: Shark Night 3D   Fri Apr 19, 2013 6:45 am

Y'know, the bitch doesn't care right now. So deal. (I'm sure I'll apologise for being bitchy tomorrow but right now idgaf)

Shark Night 3D

I'm not even gonna post a link cause this movie is absolute shit, but if you don't believe me by the end of this you can find it on Netflix in the Horror Movies section or whatever the hell.

Okay, so this shitty excuse of a movie starts off with some awesome alternative rock music and some awesome shots of sharks. Myself being a major shark fan was loving the beginning titles and all that. The movie just went down hill from there.

So basic plot is this: a bunch of college kids (3 hot girls and 4 guys [ranging from average to wimpy]) go on vacation to one of the girls' house on an island in the middle of a lake to celebrate something. Well after a pretty cool police chase in their boat they reach their destination and naturally the guys hit the water.

Things are all peachy then one of the guys gets attacked by a shark and loses his arm. He lives.

Now I'm gonna pause there and also say this; if any of y'all know me at all you know I'm a stickler for proper gore and medical accuracies in movies. It bigs the shit out of me when things are A) too gory/sounds are way too amplified and/or B) when people get injured they don't get injured they way they should. For example: a fight scene done wrong. Two guys fight, they both equally matched and are landing equal blows to the other. The hero walks away with a small scratch, the other guy doesn't walk away. Bothers the shit outta me, but anyways back to Shark Night.

So the blood was done beautifully and since this is a PG-13 movie you didn't see much of the tissue from the severed arm so they covered it with a T-shirt and put fake blood on it, but still, beautiful. However, when the male protagonist dives back into the water to retrieve the amputated arm it was blatenly obvious that the props designer just bought a rubber arm. It didn't even look remotely real.

Okay, so male protagonist meets up with the shark that bit the other guy. Just, they shark was fucking animated. It didn't even look like the animator tried. I mean, I'm sure that there's footage out there of a bullshark charging. Couldn't they use that or get some fucking footage of their own? It's not hard to find bullsharks.

Okay, so lots of shit goes down, a girl dies, there's some drama between the female love interest and an ex-boyfriend of hers (not one of the college kids), the wounded guy kills a hammerhead shark with a piece of broken wood (which was pretty cool even though the shark looked just as rubbery as the amputated arm), two people leave with the ex and his shady buddy to go back to shore, they get killed by sharks (the college kids not the ex and his drunk).

And now we're down to my favourite part of the movie just because it was fucking hilarious to watch. So now we've got three guys alive and one girl. Obviously you know that the male protagonist and his love interest are gonna live. What I was doing was wondering just who else was gonna live. I make a little game of guess which character dies next (because I'm morbid like that). Anyways, the douchebag dude decides to take the amputee to shore so that they can hopefully get his rubber arm sewn back on. They take a jet ski but they're followed by swarms of sharks (probably blue sharks because no other sharks hunt in packs). Wounded guy falls off and sharks devour him. Douchebag almost redeems himself by turning around to search for him but quickly raises tail and gets the fuck outta there. He enters a clearing and

BAM!

This bigass great white shark jumps and grabs him from the jet ski.

It was great. Very Happy

Blah, blah, blah, shit happens. Last stand off. Love interest is put into a shark cage and evil guys release an incredibly unrealistically big shark. I don't even know what species it was. Protagonist saves her, effectively killing the evil guys and shark.

Really the ending reminded me of Jaws, only no where near as good. And my favourite character didn't swim up as if nothing happened. Sad

Yeah, basically just told y'all the whole movie to save you from watching it if you were curious. This was actually my first movie review (with my personal opinion thrown in of course).

Yeah. The movie sucked.

Okay, night.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 7:01 am

I like I Am Legend. It's one of those movies that you've got to watch several times to fully understand. Even then every time I watch it I always see or hear something that I didn't before.
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Meredia

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:50 am

I agree with Louis on this.

typing 'Is there anybody out there?' on your computer?

well, everyone's kind of dead so...
1) how is the electricity and power still working?
2) who the fuck is going on their computer in the apocalypse if everyone is dead?

-.-
just argh. so stupid.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 1:24 pm

Wow, I appreciate the attention this thread has been given!

Anyone, feel free to post your own reviews! I'd love to hear what you have to say!

The next review I'll do, because I have a special level of hatred towards this movie, is a movie that I can barely bring myself to write the title.

Indiana Jones, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

I'm struggling not to go into a tirade right now. I'll write it later though.

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 4:16 pm

Imma use this thread to rant about the big things I hate about the Harry Potter movies.

Like the god-awful music in GOF.

Or the stupid talking skulls and all the deletions THAT WERE TOTALLY UNNECESSARY in POA.

Or how badly Ginny was cast.

Or how fugly Ron is.

Or Michael Gambon, who's a terrible Dumbledore.

Or - for the love of all things Harry Potter - the awful, awful "LET'S CHANGE THE ENDING OF DH BECAUSE WE WANT MUGGLE FIGHTING AND FLYING AROUND THE CASTLE AND SHIT. BECAUSE HARRY CAN TOTALLY HOLD HIS OWN AGAINST VOLDEMORT, THAT'S DEFINITELY WHAT THE BOOK SAID". The whole POINT of the ending was for Tom Riddle's body to HIT THE GROUND WITH A MUNDANE FINALITY YOU TURDS.

...and also, what the hell was that lame-ass battle between Molly and Bellatrix? Their battle was supposed to be intense and awesome and terrifying, and it was a 20-second afterthought. Maybe.

And the killing the snake? No.

If you can't tell, I hated DH2. And I'm sure there's a lot more I hated, but I just woke up a little while ago and my brain's not on yet.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 5:01 pm

Okay...
Not trying to BURN on anyones opinion here but I fairly liked the harry potter movies, true yes there was stuff they could've made more intense and amazing, things they could've cut out or added in or directed how the book said but it can't always be like that so...yeah
Again, not burning your opinion but I thought the movies were okay if anything
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 5:34 pm

Indiana Jones, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF RAGE AND SPOILERS. IF YOU WANT NEITHER, TURN BACK NOW:

I outright REFUSE to provide a link to this shit, fuck, ass, *rants incoherently*

-Hour of reprieve later-

Sorry it's just.... CHRIST I HATE THIS ONE! Like I can tolerate a lot of bad movies, but this movie... I mean... my god!

First, as I like to do, a little history. As I was growing up, my father introduced me to Indiana Jones. He was one of those action heroes I wanted to be as I was growing up. Being a weird child, liking a hero was very new to me and I loved the movies all the way around. Even to this day I regard them as cinematic treasures that will ultimately survive the test of time in very much the same way Star Wars has.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was a masterpiece in all aspects, providing a gripping adventure and equally impressive and fun action scenes and special effects. Then there was Temple of Doom, regarded as the worst of the original trilogy because I went into very taboo and dark places whereas Raiders was more lighthearted. Even then it wasn't god-awful. Honestly I think people were more transitioning to a new era of movie making by this point and the people who didn't like it didn't like this film. Fun fact, Temple of Doom is actually what spawned the Pg-13 rating. Then Last Crusade came along and stole the show for many, even though Raiders in my opinion was still the best.

Each movie provided us with memorable scenes and even at it's worst, held up as a thrilling adventure.

THIS abomination from hell, DOES NONE OF THAT!

I hate this film so intensely that I bought the 4 disc DVD set of Indiana Jones and taped over the page holding the disc to Kingdom just so I could NEVER open it.

Why do I hate it so throughly? Because it didn't stay true to what Indiana Jones was all about! For one thing, granted, Harrison Ford is older by this point but they don't have to announce it every 3 lines! Not to mention, Indy's dad could still kick ass and he was twice as old!

Now the Indiana Jones movies, (The REAL ones) had some outlandish things but they kept it grounded in solid reality for the most part. But this... KILLER ANTS THAT EAT PEOPLE, ARE YOU FUCKED?! It's like the writers just threw they paper in the air and shouted, "Really who gives a shit?!"

Another problem is the main schtick of Indiana Jones is religious artifacts or principes, (Ark of the Convenant, Thuggee Cult, Holy Grail, etc.). These are all established in real religious text or history and the plot usually follows a point in history like World War 2. But the events didn't happen in such a way to interrupt the flow of history. This helps to create a sense of realism that these events COULD'VE happened. It may be a false hope but it helps add some wonder to our world and by god we need that.

As well, in the Indiana Jones movies, there was a reason to keep going through the adventures, (stop the nazis, etc.) But in this one, once he saves his friend, he can LEAVE. We don't really get to know the villain or why they want what they do. We are basically just given, 'They're evil because they were mean to Indiana Jones in the first few minutes.'

I know I'm going to get strung up for saying this, but I'm not a fan of Shia Labeouf. Why? Because he plays the same schmuck in every movie I've seen him in. The dork who falls a lot that everyone just rolls their eyes at and keeps hoping in vain that megatron will step on him. And he's in this movie with the exact same goal, except this time he's here to waste Indy's time... as his... as his....

I can't bare to write this, SON.

Evil or Very Mad He almost. Puts on. The hat.... he had the BALLS to touch the hat *seethes in rage* Evil or Very Mad

BUT I will give him this. Originally they were going to have him be the new Indiana jones after the original Indy dies somehow. But Shia refused to do that and adamantly fought against it. So points to him.

So yes, it was written horribly like BEYOND horribly fucking aliens and a wedding at the end. The ending was just an absolute JOKE. It didn't feel like a real Indiana Jones movie, it felt like a PARODY of one!

As I mentioned before, the other movies all have memorable scenes. THIS shitstorm is so forgettable that that's the ultimate crime one could do in one of these movies.

The story was by far the worst element to it. It was so removed from reality and all that Indiana Jones stood for that it's a suckerpunch to the childhood.

Take my advice people, there's only 3 Indiana Jones Movies, deny the Crystal Skulls existence as long as you live.

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 5:49 pm

I didn't see the whole of this non-existant movie, though I'm sure Actual Cannibal Shia Labeouf alone made it much worse than the others.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Fri Apr 19, 2013 5:51 pm

Well if you didn't see it all the way through... good, you're in a good place Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Sat Apr 20, 2013 2:10 am

Wrath: I don't know why you'd apologize for an opinion, and I couldn't care less if you don't like mine.

That being said, I still hated so many things in the HP movies. I tend to be a purist in terms of any book-turned-movie. So this goes for LOTR, Ender's Game, Hunger Games, HP, whatever.

And Crouch, sweetheart, I didn't read your whole rant but I do agree with you.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Mon Apr 22, 2013 2:29 pm

Killers



Why: Yes, I had the misfortune to watch this one with Ashton Kutcher (the UNfunny one, to clarify) and actress-you-know-the-face-of-but-forget-the-name-ten-seconds-later-she's-so-bland. One question. WHERE. ARE. THE. FUCKING. COPS?!

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Mon Apr 22, 2013 3:22 pm

Sorry, I just thought I made you mad, and I really don't want to piss off anyone here ._.
And yeah, Crystal Skull, terrible TERRIBLE movie
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Mon Apr 22, 2013 5:22 pm

Wrath, I'm pretty difficult to offend. Unless you insult my intelligence or god-mod. Then we may have issues.

Killers...unless you're referencing the alt group, I don't think I've ever heard of that, Crouch.
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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Mon Apr 22, 2013 5:32 pm

You're in a good place, Temp. Don't look for it

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 08, 2013 2:36 pm

Oblivion



Now as you’ve all seen so far, I have an almost sadistic kind of pleasure from bashing bad movies.

But THIS movie, I digress, I actually regret not liking. I’m legitimately sad that I didn’t like this movie. It had talented people working on it and it was a very well done movie in almost every respect. The visuals were great, the technology and world was interesting, the actors held up good… so why didn’t I like it?

BORING!!!!

Thirty minutes in I was checking my phone! And during a romantic scene that in most movies would lead to interesting character development, I went to the bathroom because I knew I wasn’t going to miss anything. Sad part is, I was right.

I believe the worst problem with it came from the script. It was paper thin (no pun intended, I think) and didn’t leave me too attached to the characters.

For example, during one scene where a character makes a heroic sacrifice, here’s the expected reaction and the actual one:

Expected: “Oh no! Don’t go! STOP!!” The girls cry, the boys comfort or vice versa in some cases.
Actual: “Meh. At least he’ll give me something to look at when he explodes.”

But like I said earlier, a lot of hardworking people worked on this. It’s such a shame that it fell flat for me.

I wouldn’t say it was necessarily BAD, just not very engaging. It’s a classic and tragic case of ‘You can turn a good script into a bad movie, but you can’t turn a bad script into a good movie.”

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PostSubject: Re: Movies One Must CROAK before seeing   Wed May 08, 2013 2:41 pm

Sad I wanted to see this movie and I hoped it was good...
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